Disguised purchases ... who are we kidding?

It's an age-old practice. Women disguising purchases by paying with cash.

A recent New York Times News Service story struck a nerve. It was about financially independent women paying cash for personal indulgences to head off arguments with husbands or boyfriends. I remembered doing the same thing when I was married.

Reporter Shivani Vora cited a number of reasons for the subterfuge. Some women just didn't want to "get into it" with their partners over a luxury purchase. Some expressed a sense of freedom when pulling the wool over their partner's eyes. Others said it was easier to "forget" their guilt they if a credit card bill didn't come.

If we are financially independent, why do we do these things?

I learned about hiding money from my mom. She was always tucking something away from her household cash. She was a child of the Depression and saved for the perpetual rainy day. One of her legendary comments (learned from HER mother), was, "If it's not a necessity, you can wait till you have the cash." Of course, a luxury item to her was a dryer, but even that expenditure was accompanied by great guilt.

I don't think I ever "hid" a personal purchase from my ex-husband, but I do remember understating the actual cost. Yup ... it was the fear of confrontation that made me do it.

Today, I am my mom. I tuck away cash and try to save for the "luxuries," but I do it because I am committed to trying to manage my "real" financial resources. I don't deny myself personal purchases, I just pause before taking the monetary plunge.

Facing my fears, self denial and impulses when it comes to spending money is hard work. I don't always like it, but the "internal" payoff is feeling good about myself.

And THAT'S good!

Christmas surprise in January

I paid the last of my December credit card charges last week. A broken foot helped me cut my Christmas gift expenditures by 50%. That fracture deterred my driving and kept me out of stores for nearly two months.

Looking at my charge bills made me realize that in previous years I had used the excuse that I was "spending for others" to justify impulse buying sprees during the holidays. It's embarrassing to admit that there were times when I bought things, then couldn't remember who got what extra item when it was time to wrap them.

This year I did some online buying, but I gave a few gifts of time too. For the first time in years, I baked loaves and loaves of chocolate chip pumpkin bread. Then I wrote personal notes for each recipient. Their response was gratifying.

Is it hard for you to find $10-$20 gifts for older recipients? How many bottles of lotion does Nana need? I discovered one solution while working a charity event at church.

Our parish Advent project was a fair for Heifer International Orgnaization. Shares to purchase income- and food-producing livestock for those in need across the globe (including areas of the United States) were made available at booths.

My boys and I gave shares of sheep, pigs, rabbits, flocks of chicks, ducks, bees and even a caribou to grandparents, aunts and uncles and many others. As they were presented with their gift envelopes, each of our Heifer share recipients took time to read about how their gift animals would help others. (I suspect that Heifer International will be part of their gift-giving plans next year too!)

Charge bills are here. Take time to honestly look at your holiday spending. Is there one small thing YOU will try to change next time around?

Just a cup of coffee

A friend just sent me this story:

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Suggesting some refreshment for his guests, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress."

"Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases, even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups. And then you began eyeing each other's cups."

He continued, "Now consider this: Life is the coffee. The jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. God brews the coffee, not the cups."

Enjoy your coffee.

Are diamonds a girl's best friend?

Diamond advertising went for the jugular this holiday season. How many women felt unfulfilled, unrecognized and under-rated because the rocks that are forever did not appear in their stockings? The radio ad with dad and junior making a selection inferred generational guilt and retribution if a purchase wasn't made.

Reams are writtten about holiday shopping orgies, mountains of returns and fear of charge card bills to come. Perhaps the excesses are not as necessary as our consumer society has been brainwashed to believe.

Take the experience of a group of San Francisco friends who made a pact to go a year without buying anything. According to Associated Press writer Lisa Leff, some of the group's original members say the self-imposed shopping sabbatical was so liberating, they resolved to do for another year.

After an initial period of shopping withdrawal, discovering how easy it was to score pretty much anything with a little time and effort was an eye-opener, according to the group of friends.

Besides thrift stores and garage sales, participants found a wealth of free or previously owned merchandise in online classifieds and sites where people post stuff they want to get rid of, such as www.freecycle.org.

The group exempted food, essential toiletries like toothpaste and shampoo, underwear and other purchases deemed health- and safety-related.

As one woman commented, "I really found a lot of times there were things I thought I needed that I don't need that much." Another man added, "One of the byproducts of 'The Compact' has been I have a completely different relationship with the things in my life. I appreciate the stuff I have more."

The pledge the group half-jokingly named The Compact, after the Mayflower pilgrims, spread to other cities through the Internet and an appearance on the "Today" show.

It has truly given me food for thought.

What about you?

Would you be willing to share this challenge for the next year?

Cold water wake-up for a Baby Boomer like me

Retirement news topped children's achievements in this year's Christmas letters from old college housemates. Teaching was never an option for me as it was for so many of my friends. Now they are reaping the benefits of retirement pensions after over thirty years in the classroom.

The letters did give me pause. I am lightyears from that stage of life. Sandwiched between my teenagers' looming college tuitions and the needs of my elderly parents, I have had to accept my financial realities as a single parent. Retirement is not in my picture in this decade or the next.

I'm not alone.

Reuters journalist Svea Herbet-Bayliss, writes that millions of Americans are finding that they will have to continue working during their supposed retirement years. That realization is turning their world upside down -- changing everything on where they might live, what they might do in their golden years and ultimately WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE.

She cites a poll commissioned by financial firm Thivent Financial for Lutherans. Faced with the cold hard fact that they have not saved enough to live out their years comfortably, 43 percent of Americans say they will have to re-enter the work force almost as soon as they leave it. BUT, they said they would try to find less stressful employment after retirement.

Let's go back to the point about, "what is most important in life."

Being useful, experiencing new things and developing my talents have always been a priority for me. That hasn't stopped because I've turned 55. I'm actually more excited about my "tomorrow's" than I ever was.

I don't think I'm alone in that assessment of my so-called golden years. Hey! I'm a boomer! We've always done things differently than our parents! It's not surprising that our approach to retirement would be different too.

Financial choices will always be there. Choosing to focus on what is genuine in our lives, regardless of the size of bank accounts, will enable each of us to individually discover "what is most important in life!"